The problem with kink is...

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January 4, 2012

The problem with kink is…

Just a few thoughts on kinky relationships. On men and women. This has been said before and far better than I do here, but, I just wanted to add my name to the list as it were.

I’ve spent a long time reading other’s kinky blogs. I’ve spent even longer wishing that I could find a guy who understood that just because I’m a “Dominant Woman” doesn’t mean that I’m some ball breaking, icy bitch who hates men. More importantly, I don’t want some wormy,pathetic notion of submission. I am not a cartoon, I am not a cliché. I’m human. I like musicals, thai food and reading thrillers. I also may be a bit kinky. Okay, pretty damn kinky. This does not mean I am a raging nymphomaniac who will shag anyone. Much in the same way that being heterosexual means that I am attracted to men means that I am attracted to some men, not all men.

I’m one of the girls that DelvingIntoDeviance describes, for a long time I wasn’t even sure if I was dominant because all of the stereotypes that I was meant to fit as a top, I wasn’t into. (No penetration? No thank-you! Ice Queen persona? I’m way too romantic. 6-inch heels and vinyl catsuit? Hahahahah.)

I was told by certain sources that “oh, you’re a dominant woman?! Congratulations, now you can become a pro-domme and earn money off your sexuality like women are supposed to do. Because, hey? What kind of woman actually wants to enjoy sexual pleasure with a submissive man anyway.” What?!?! That’s a crock of shit. Would they ever tell a vanilla girl to become a prostitute because she liked to have sexytimes with men? Er, no. But there is a prevalent idea among the kink “community” ( and believe you me, that is a whole other post.) and indeed, within wider pop culture that submissive men are meant to be weedy, ugly, overweight and undesirable losers. Not only does this turn off many women from kink in the first place, because that is what is shown in porn, but it denigrates and isolates the ordinary, and yes, attractive men who are kinky. Why, as Bitchy Jones so brilliantly wrote before me, are submissive men not spending ages in the gym, wearing attractive flattering clothes, taking care of their personal hygiene and generally trying to look hot for women. Surely that’s their thing? Surely, if you’re into women you want to look sexy for them. Just as women spend ages plucking, waxing, dyeing, dieting, sweating-in-the-gym in order to look attractive to men. Ironically, though our culture teaches boys from a young age that it’s okay to chase after girls, very few young men are actually taught by their older male mentors just how to speak with/ approach girls. This had led to the horror that is the PUA (Pick-Up Artist) community which appears to be a cynical, insidious means of approaching girls with low self esteem and getting them to sleep with you because you don’t respect yourself or other people enough to have a mutually respectful, open and honest relationship with another person. We’re currently stuck in this weird, skewed situation whereby women are told that if they “brazenly” approach guys then they’re both liberated (thank you, SATC) and slutty. Men are told that they have to do the chasing but have to stick strictly to “leagues” of attractiveness. Men’s sexuality is seen as something that is frightening and yet something that guys are expected to flap about. We’re in a weird double bind whereby men are weak, perpetually at the whim of their burgeoning hormones and women are prim, prissy coquettes. Really? Do people in the real world actually think this? I suspect if you asked individuals, most people don’t agree with the stereotypes at all and yet, if you look at us as a culture then they are still pervasive. Something doesn’t add up.

Alas, I digress, back to kink.

Like any straight girl, I want a boyfriend who is smart and funny and kind. A person who I can have a normal conversation with, a person who has their own life and ambitions and goals. I know that submission should be hard earned. Anyone who is just going to roll over for the first girl that they bump into isn’t there for that person and that relationship but the self-centred fulfillment of their own wank fantasy. If that’s the case go home and look at porn or pay a professional. It’s not fair to dominant women or submissive men who are then caricatured and devalued within mainstream culture because of the lack of respect of a small minority. Submission is poignant and beautiful and romantic because it is hard won. When I dominate I value the trust that I have been given and return it wholly, I want the experience to be mutually enjoyable, joyous. There might be some whining and yelping and a few tears, but later I want him to enjoy the memory of it just as I will. If not immediately, then later during snuggle time.

I’ve spent a long time wondering if I should start blogging about my experiences, or indeed lack thereof, that have come with my realization that I’m kinky. But, if I am to improve my own sex life, if I’m ever to find a man who’s strong, and smart and willful, who also likes having the crap beaten out of him, then it’s up to me as a top to speak out, to dispel as many myths as possible about submissive men and dominant women. I suspect that Bitchy is right. That there are probably far more dominant women out there, but that they are turned off by the epically poor level of resources that are available for women, who realise that they might want to do kinky things to guys and that for many straight guys who think that submitting to a woman would be hot and are then met with this neutered, wormy vision of submission and sterile, steely vision of femdom and are turned off by it. I mean, where’s the romance? It is a terribly beautiful, intimate thing to do with another person. Why can’t we see this more? Where’s the tenderness? Where’s the laughter? The fun? Hell, kinky sex, vanilla sex, sex sex is fun and a little bit silly. Can we see more of this please? And no more submissives with low self esteem? Or ball breaking dominatrixes in vinyl?

The only way that this situation will change is if we stand up and start talking about what is wrong with kink, and then trying to fix it. Many people are doing a great job, but many more are letting myths and stigma go unchallenged.

12:37am | URL: http://tmblr.co/Z7q47xEDnJSk

(Notes: 66)